If i come over, it means nothing
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
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I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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