Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
