I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
