does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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