I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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