He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
And then he peed in my hair
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