I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
