How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
