my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
