I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
