she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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