3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
