We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
