not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
