thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
