Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
