alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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