hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
