I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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