I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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