why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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