Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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