i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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