im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
