i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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