Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Who died my cat blue again?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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