You really coming over, don't trick.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
