even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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