I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
