Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
