Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
