just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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