I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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