y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
