Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
