Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
