Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
