youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
