I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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