i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
