I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
