im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
