He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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