i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
