I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
