Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
too bad you live with your parents still
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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