Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
