The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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