Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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