Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
