Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
