My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
