We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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