I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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