I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
