I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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