We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I need water and some morals
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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