Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
