Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
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