At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.