Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.